Thursday, 12 August 2010

  • Last Post


    The world grows darker all the time. The sickness, as I call it, spreads all the time. Evil triumphs everywhere. On smaller, personal scales it spreads, through rape, murder, child abuse and so on. On larger, all-encompassing scales it spreads. Oh deary, do you know the evil that the U.S. government is committing against its own people? You will see it in time, when the system is collapsed, if you cannot yet see it in the small things. Sometimes I feel like a lone paladin in this world, though I know there must be other paladins left, just few and far between. Mostly now the zombies roam. There is the evil that sits on top and lurks among us all, as well as the paladins like me who are left, but mostly there are people now so numb and gone they cannot see it or care about it. You can tell them something and they'll know it's true, but they'll just shake their head and deny or refuse to talk about it. They must worry about other things. They have not strength of heart or time of day for the very world in which they exist. It all gets to be too much, with most of us feeling like we might as well lie down and take it all, if alone none of us can change things, anyway.

    My heart is so ill, but a paladin I remain forever and always. I will never stop trying. I will never stop fighting. I will never just lie down and take anything. I will never lose my faith in my species. In each zombie's heart the light is sleeping, the good in them is hibernating. The fiery, unbridled passion against what is evil, unjust and wrong lies untapped in them. I believe that love will win in the end. It is a power that the wicked do not know or have. My mother may never believe the corruption that surrounds her. She may call me a crazy conspiracy theorist to the very bitter end. But I believe that if I am hurt she will rise up because she loves me, even if she does not understand. I will not give up my guns. I will not walk through a naked body scanner at the airport. I will not take a vaccine that I do not trust. I will not allow my home to be searched without a warrant. I will not let cops bully me around. I will not still my voice when they try to control the internet and censor everything. If I lived in Arizona, I would fight at the border. I will not fork over my constitutional rights. I will not. I WILL NOT. And they will hurt anyone who does not lie down. At the G20 in Toronto, Canada, over 100 female reporters who were following the law and doing nothing wrong were sexually assaulted by government security workers. They did not want reporters finding out what was going on, however legal it was for them to be there, so they hurt those women. I hope that even if the families of those women are zombies, that their love for those women made them angry about the sick violence that was done. I hope the light was sleeping in their hearts and was awakened when their loved one was assaulted.

    Dearies who live in the U.S., though you may not believe it yet, though you may laugh or call me insane, our economy will collapse. Martial law will be enforced. The government will get aggressive. Already they poison our air, water and food. Already they engineer our demise. The big bankers know no national loyalty. They want all the money and power, and they work with government allies for a promised slice of the pie. They are orchestrating the collapse, so that they can establish their one world currency. Dark times are ahead of us, dearies, and in the moment that you realize I was right when you read this, remember that the light sleeps in you, too. What is good in the world, morality, virtue and justice, is a part of you, too. Do not lose this. Rise as a paladin and keep what separates you from an animal. Be strong. They can take everything from you, but they cannot touch your soul. Remain the wonderful people that you are. Realize the passionate rage in you toward evil. Find strength in it.

    You will all be in my thoughts in the times to come. When you are desperate and scared, you will be on my mind. I will be wondering if you rise as a paladin or give in to the sickness. And I will have faith in you. I cannot yield to my disorder any longer. I need to grow stronger. I need to be healthy. I must be there to rebuild with others after the fall. I hope to see you there, too. It is time to give up foolish things. It is time to be strong. I know you have it in you. I know you can do it.

    All my love, and my faith,

    Linds

Tuesday, 10 August 2010


  • I've changed my mind back and forth so much over the past few weeks. My blog must be a real pill to understand sometimes. Some days it's not about the weight but rather the control. Some days it's all about the weight and I'm just trying so hard not to eat. Some days I have to try so hard to get myself to eat anything at all. Some days I feel so positive and happy about the changes my body is going through. Some days you'd think I've been stricken with the plague.

    I just say exactly what I think and feel at the exact time that I'm typing, and I guess having looked back over my blog, my mind is rather lofty and volatile. So I apologize for that I guess. I sometimes wonder if I may be bipolar. It runs in my family and I certainly display some of the symptoms. Sometimes I'm so dark minded and full of melancholy and focused on the control and anxiety aspect, while at other times I'm so upbeat and ecstatic and focused on losing weight and being thin. One thing is for sure - I'm grade A nuts.

    Today has been one of those happy, upbeat days where I'm excited about losing weight and being thinner. When I feel this way, ironically my appetite starts to come back, so I have to actually try harder not to eat. Today I had 540 calories, two lean pockets, some Italian flavor. I know that later tonight I'll be hungry again, but I'll have to maintain some self-discipline.

    My scale is being absolutely retarded. It weighed me in today at 133, 111, 124 and 117. What the hell? So I did something crazy. I threw it in the trash. It's old. It's inaccurate. It's basically useless. From now on I'll just be going by the mirror, because I can't really afford a new, better scale right now.

    I hope this swing lasts. I like being happy. I like caring more about weight loss than control or anxiety. I like feeling good about my EDNOS. I like having to try. I like enjoying my one meal of the day. I don't really want full-blown anorexia. I've been down that path for the last week. I felt physically like total shit and was depressed to the max. I feel really bad for people who get stuck in that place. I thought it would be wonderful to not have to try, but I was wrong.

Monday, 09 August 2010

  • 660


    Well, I did it. I got up to 660 calories on pretzels and PB&J things. I feel like shit and I'm going to bed!

    x



    Remember, 1 pound of fat is 3,500 calories. To lose one pound of actual fat per day, your intake would have to be negative 3,500 calories. Sometimes it's better to just relax and let things happen, without constantly worrying about it.

  • The Hero


    I want to be little and sick so I'm worthy of being saved. I want some strong, heroic figure to appear through the darkness and lift my tiny, weightless body, run through the storm with me to safety. I want to be rescued. I want to be able to close my eyes and not worry while someone else takes over. I want to be the rag doll someone drags around.

    But I've realized. I'm the one who is always trying to save people. I'm the one with mother hen syndrome, always trying to fix everyone else's problems while disregarding my own. I'm the one the shallow friends call in an emergency. I'm the one who throws on a cape and picks girls up from parties when they think they may have been drugged, who waits outside my brother's workplace to confront the woman who has been harassing him, who shows up at someone's house with a bag of chronic when they feel sick. Even as a child, I remember fighting a much older and larger student on the bus who kicked my brother out of a seat and made him cry.I remember charging into my father's side as he went after my little brother in a drunken rage. Sometimes it was even silly, like when a girl in middle school kicked my male friend in the balls. I did not find it the least bit funny and punched her square in the face.

    I realized I am that person, that heroic figure that appears through the darkness. Even with my mother, who has mindfucked me over and over, when she needs me I show up. I drove through the night, breaking speed limits to reach her when her gallbladder ruptured and nobody else was there. We had not spoken to each other in almost a year, but I was the one she called and I came.

    I'm not trying to pat myself on the back here, but I know I can't be that person if I'm sick, little and weak. I can't be the one who shows up if I can't drive because I'm too dizzy. I haven't been that person since I relapsed into my eating disorder. I have to get better. I have to be stronger. I have to get over myself so I can wear that cape again. So tomorrow, I will eat my 600 calories. It's a start. The person I will love next has to be worth more than my disorder.

    I want to get back up off the ground. I don't want to be the soldier who stays down. I want to be the hero.

Sunday, 08 August 2010


  • You never see me make the same mistake twice
    You never see a tear coming out of these eyes
    You never see me beg for another shot
    And you never see me change into something I'm not

    You never see make the same mistake twice
    You never see a tear coming out of these eyes
    You never see me quit, see me disengage
    And you never see me spit in your face out of rage

    - Zeromancer



Starve_On_Deary

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